Sometimes I wonder what people think about me. What people really think. I already have an idea of how some people feel about me though. Does it even matter?

The fact that he died playing the sport I loved and gave my all for makes me want to get back in the game. At least lace up my shoes again…

Sometimes I feel like when I do try to say how I feel, it comes out disjointed and all wrong. Better off not saying anything sometimes.

On “Coming out”

The only person I’ve ever really “come out” to is my mother. Almost two years ago I had a long sit-down talk with her about it. It was difficult at first and she didn’t “agree with my lifestyle”, but she’s okay with it. After that it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Now there’s the rest of my family. I’m sure some have put two and two together but eventually I should let them know, right?

I just really dislike this whole coming out thing. It connotes that I’ve been hiding or keeping this a secret, when I haven’t been. Where am I “coming out” from? The closet? I haven’t really been in it, at least not for the past two years.

But really, I don’t want to make it a big deal because in my eyes, it isn’t. I’ll probably mention it in passing. It’d be easier if they just asked me up front instead of always wondering and making side comments.

As for telling people outside of my family and friends? Never really cared to. The ones who are close to me already know. My thing is, if you want to know, just ask. I’m not going to make it my mission to tell you or make a facebook status about it. That just isn’t me.

I realize that in the future I probably won’t be making tons of money, and that’s okay. I just want to be comfortable doing the things I love most with the person I love. 　

Went down to Kops Records on Queen Street today. I can’t believe today was the first time I’ve been in there, seeing as I’m always on Queen. The workers there are tremendously laid back and easy to talk to.

Filling out all of these job applications/emailing my resume to no avail.

Seeing numerous job openings… but they require 2-3 years of experience. Experience I don’t have.

I want to have a job by the end of this month, but it seems like that may not happen.

My old coach from the league I used to play in just called me. He gave me some contact info for a coach at my school so I can get on the team for next season. Thing is, I haven’t played for a year now and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I may not be interested. To be honest I’m afraid to step on the court. I feel like I’ll never be as good as I was before. I was pretty much at my peak  before I “quit”.

I can’t even remember that last time I played for fun, much less a team. It’s been so long. I don’t know if I can call this coach and talk to him. He’s going to want to see me play and see what I can do.Thinking about it makes me slightly uneasy.

In the end, all I want is for you to be happy. Whether that’s with me around or not. I just want you to be okay.　

I know I said I’d come out of my shell this summer and finally do my People of Toronto project that I’ve wanted to do for over a year now, but I’m just so shy. Approaching people and talking to them scares the hell out of me. I need to get over these nerves or else I’ll never do the things I want. 

Blah.